Dear Big Brother,

Your maturity astounds me. The issue is not me and you; it's the fact that you ditched your Father's Day plans with dad and didn't let him know till half the day had gone by. He called and you let him sit by the phone waiting all day long until you were ready to call with the news that you were not driving up to visit. He spent the day alone, which is superb. He broke plans off with me since you come around so infrequently, and you didn't give him enough notice so that he and I could have spent the day together.

Before I end this letter there are three points I'd like to address:

1. Just because you are a father doesn't make you a great son. Since bailing out is what you do, besides your other hobby of borrowing money and calling it an early inheritance rather than paying it back, that means you are a shi-tastic son. Way to go!

2. Never imply that your life was so much harder than mine, and that my life was simply given to me. You went to public school, boo fricken hoo. Dad offered to pay for your college just like mine, but, dear brother, whereas I studied and ended up with a diploma. You partied and lasted, oh, how long was it? A quarter, six months? The point is that I wasn't handed A's in high school, college, or grad school; I earned them. There's this radical method called studying...maybe you should have tried it rather than drinking from a bong.

3. To tell me to get out of your life would imply that I was in it. It's not very hard to exit when you've never truly been invited in. I heard via grape vine that you had married seven months after it happened, although Dad and the rest of the family heard that way too (see you are a great son! Way to go!), it wasn't until she was about to burst that I found out she was prego, hmmm...and the list goes on.

4. Oh, and I guess I lied. One last point, which has to do with sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. Yes, I should be more like you when it comes to this point. Your wisdom rings true. So when we discovered that our niece had fleas I shouldn't have said a word. Maybe I should have sent over a dog collar and pretended it was a bracelet. Gee, bro, you are so right! Who cares if her scalp is crawling with fleas, she smells like cat pee, and she's going deaf because of her filthy environment! Thank you for showing me the light!

Sincerely,

Your favorite lil sis